Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
