Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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