I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
