Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
