right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
