I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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