so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
