i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Boobs are out for the taking
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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