You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
It's just like the Real World with babies
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
