i love accidental penises.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize