the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
