When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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