I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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