It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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