ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
