i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
