I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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