I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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