she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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