I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
