ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
