Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
