So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
