I'm lost and stupid without you.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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