I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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