i would punch a child for taco bell
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
