Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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