I cannot find my penis.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
