Your dad touched me again.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
