naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
