You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize