I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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