I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
