Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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