I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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