i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
