some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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