sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
