i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
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