Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
