you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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