my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize