Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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