I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
There's a naked man in my car right now.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
