I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
My bed smells like the plague
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