the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
