Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
