WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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