Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
