I got chris browned last night
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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