I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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