Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I met the friendliest cop last night
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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