I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
