His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
