google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
