i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
